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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25125397">been in this state for one too many days</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyperfixation_station/pseuds/hyperfixation_station'>hyperfixation_station</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Awesome May Parker (Spider-Man), BAMF Tony Stark, Crying, Drowning, Evil Author Day, FUCK, Fluff, Gen, Good Friend Ned Leeds, Hurt May Parker (Spider-Man), Hurt Ned Leeds, Hurt Peter Parker, Hurt Tony Stark, Hurt/Comfort, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Going to Hell, I'm Sorry, I'm so sorry, Implied/Referenced Suicide, May Parker (Spider-Man) &amp; Tony Stark Coparenting Peter Parker, May Parker (Spider-Man) Needs a Hug, Men Crying, Ned Leeds Needs a Hug, Ned Leeds is a Good Bro, Oh My God, One Shot, Parent Tony Stark, Peter Parker Gets a Hug, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Peter Parker Whump, Peter Parker is a Mess, Precious Ned Leeds, Precious Peter Parker, Protective May Parker (Spider-Man), Protective Ned Leeds, Protective Tony Stark, Read at Your Own Risk, Suicidal Peter Parker, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, What Have I Done, Worried May Parker (Spider-Man), Worried Ned Leeds, anyway, but he doesn't want one, i feel so fucking evil nfhjbasjbdf, im crying while writing this, teehee, tell me if there are any other tags i need to add please!</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-08</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 09:35:47</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,748</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25125397</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/hyperfixation_station/pseuds/hyperfixation_station</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter couldn't contain himself anymore. He'd spent the last few months feeling nothing, and everything was coming up at once; every emotion he thought he didn't have, when really he'd just suppressed them.</p><p>He wanted to say he was fine so badly. He wanted Ned to have one last night of rest before learning what Peter had done after he hung up.</p><p>But he couldn't.</p><p>~~~</p><p>title from bg noise by cavetown</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>May Parker (Spider-Man) &amp; Peter Parker, Ned Leeds &amp; Peter Parker, Peter Parker &amp; Tony Stark</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>324</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. it had been a long night</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>TRIGGER WARNINGS ARE IN TAGS. PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK. IF THIS WILL TRIGGER YOU, CLOSE THIS TAB RIGHT NOW.<br/>DO IT.<br/>I'M NOT ASKING.<br/>DO IT.<br/>I CARE ABOUT YOUR MENTAL HEALTH MORE THAN HITS AND KUDOS.<br/>PLEASE TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES MY LOVELIES&lt;3&lt;3&lt;3&lt;3</p><p>~~~</p><p>whats this? the same suicidal peter fic you've read twenty times? couldn't be.</p><p>also i edited it literally like less than 24 hours after posting because I wanted to add more. the story didn't change I just added a few more details.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Tears streamed down Peter's cheeks. He felt empty. Hollow.</p><p>He was in his Spider-Man suit on the edge of a bridge. Well, not exactly. He sat the top of the structure sitting atop the bridge. The gate into the bustle of cars and traffic. He took his mask off. No one would be able to see him up there anyway. And what did it matter? People would probably put two and two together once he was gone.</p><p>He stared blankly at his blinding phone screen. He debated calling Tony. But what would he care? Even if he did, he'd get there too quickly. He'd stop Peter from doing what needed to be done.</p><p>Peter smiled fondly at the Stark Tower. He could see it in all it's glory just miles away from him.</p><p>Peter's thighs were poked by bits of gravel on the rough concrete. His eyes were stinging from the cool wind blowing in his face. His legs dangled off the edge of the structure, swinging back and forth. It was so peaceful. This was a good place to be. A good final place to be.</p><p>He glanced back at his phone. He teared up even more as he realized he never said goodbye to Ned. He didn't even write him a note. Sighing, he reluctantly tapped Ned's contact on his phone. He picked up; whether Peter was glad about this, he couldn't've been sure.</p><p>Ned's grogginess burned Peter's soul. He woke him up to say goodbye when Ned probably didn't even care about him. "Peter? It's so late. Are you okay?" Peter heard Ned's bedside lamp click on. This was a mistake.</p><p>"Nah, no. I'm fine. Just... couldn't sleep, I guess." Peter cursed at the wind blowing harder. Ned could probably hear it through the phone. "Stayed up rewatching The Last Jedi again and it messed up my whole sleep schedule." He gave a reassuring (but fake as fuck) chuckle.</p><p>Ned was suspicious. "You're sure? It's okay if you wanna talk. I don't have anything going on tomorrow anyway." Peter's breath caught. Even this small gesture from his friend was making him choke up. He was so needy. Peter sniffed. "Peter, seriously, are you good?" Ned was seriously worried now.</p><p>Peter couldn't contain himself anymore. He'd spent the last few months feeling nothing, and everything was coming up at once; every emotion he thought he didn't have, when really he'd just suppressed them.</p><p>He wanted to say he was fine so badly. He wanted Ned to have one last night of rest before learning what Peter had done after he hung up.</p><p>But he couldn't.</p><p>He couldn't keep in his cries any longer. He began sobbing to Ned. "Oh my god, Peter, what happened? Are you at your apartment? I'm coming over. I'll scale the side of the building if you don't let me in the door." Peter could hear Ned's covers ruffling and Ned standing up.</p><p>"Ned, please, don't," Peter wept. "I'm not at the apartment."</p><p>Ned was upset. "Then where the fuck are you at two in the morning?" He didn't care who heard at this point.</p><p>"I... I can't tell you that Ned," Peter replied softly. He looked down at the lake beneath him. Hopefully, the impact alone would be enough to do the job, but Peter knew it wouldn't. He'd either drown or freeze. But it's what he deserved.</p><p>Ned was exasperated. "Peter, I don't- please, let me help you." Peter knew he was desperate. He didn't do a great job of hiding it. "Why are you up in the city crying in the middle of the night?" Ned was pacing around his room, phone pressed to his ear. He looked out his window. Maybe he could see Peter atop a building on the skyline.</p><p>Peter sighed. He couldn't keep this up for much longer. He would break soon enough. He wiped away his tears with his suit and prepared to say goodbye to his best friend. "I'm really sorry, Ned. You really are the best friend I could've asked for."</p><p>Ned's blood ran cold. "Could've?- Peter, please, sto-" Peter hung up. He couldn't bare to hear Ned's pained pleas any longer. He knew he had to go now. He contemplated his last words. They needed to mean something. After a few minutes of deliberation, he had decided. It was time. He left his mask draped over the bars of the structure and his buzzing phone sitting next to it. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he knew Ned had called someone. May, probably.</p><p>Rubbing his palms to his bloodshot eyes, he stood. Letting out one final cry, one scream, he was ready. He shot a web string on the underside of the bar and jumped off, still holding it. Swinging beneath it, he whispered to himself;</p><p>"I'm sorry."</p>
<hr/><p>Ned's heart sunk even further when he heard the beep from his phone. Peter had hung up. "No, no, no, no, no, no, no." He muttered. He didn't know for sure what peter was going to do, but based on his hunch, it didn't sound good. He did the first thing he could think of.</p><p>"Mom! Mom, please, help!" Ned's mom awoke with the same groggy, sleepy look Ned had when Peter had first called. He struggled for the words to explain the situation. "I- I think Peter's trying to kill himself." Cold sweat was coating Ned's neck as he saw his mom bolt up, hair curlers still in, and grab her keys. She knew her son would explain everything on the way.</p><p>They ran out to their shared car, Ned rambling about everything Peter had said. "And he said he's not in his apartment. I really don't know where he could be, Mom, and I-" He choked back a sob, tears running down his cheeks. "I don't want to lose my best friend." Ned practically leapt into the passenger seat of the vehicle.</p><p>"Ned, look at me;" She put a comforting hand on his shoulder. "We will do our very best to help your friend. I promise."</p><p>They start off by attempting to scour the streets, looking left and right to try to see Peter before Ned had an idea. "I'll call Tony Stark."</p><p>"Wha-" Ned's mom's head turned to her son. "What? You have Tony Stark's phone number?"</p><p>Ned rolled his eyes. "I've met him like ten times, Mom. He picks Peter up from school like twice a month. We're basically bros." He frantically scrolled through his contacts before finding "TONY FUCKING STARK". He dialed the number.</p>
<hr/><p>The last person Tony Stark expected to get a call from at two a.m. was Ned Leeds. He thought it was him, anyway. The contact name buzzing on the screen was "peter's friend ned (i think??)". Reluctantly, he answers the phone. "Hello?" He sounded annoyed, and for good reason; he was working on a new, updated suit for Peter for his birthday coming up.</p><p>"I- uh, Mr. Stark, sir?"</p><p>"Yes, hello, teenager calling me in the middle of the night. Why are you doing that exactly?" He turns back to his work with Ned on speakerphone. "There better be a gun to Peter's head right now."</p><p>Ned cringed and swallowed, hard. "Well... not exactly."</p><p>Tony's brows furrowed and he laid down his tools, holding his phone to his ear. "What does "not exactly" mean, Ned? What happened to my kid?"</p>
<hr/><p>He swung forward and let go. The sharp, chilling air whipped through Peter's wavy, brown, hadn't-been-washed-in-a-week hair as he plummeted farther and farther. Somewhere in the distance, he heard something that resembled a scream, but it didn't matter now. He closed his eyes, waiting for the wonderful release of unconsciousness. As his fragile body hits the icy waters of the dark lake, he swore he could feel all of his bones break at once. Adrenaline rushed through him, his mind begging him to escape, to swim up and save himself, but his heart knew this was what he needed to do.</p><p>It was strangely tranquil in the water. The sounds of the city quieted and muffled by the water engulfing him. Sweet, sweet silence.</p><p>Peter felt the tips of his fingers and toes tingling with numbness. Had it been seconds? Or hours? Peter's lungs were silently screaming for oxygen and they were greeted with water. Everything was water. Water was in his nose and ears and hair and suit and now it was inside of him too. Maybe he'd hoped he'd just dissolve into the sea. Decarbonate.</p><p>This. This is how he knew he was meant to be.</p><p>But it was over all too quickly.</p><p>There was a disturbance in the water. Peter felt his limp body sway slightly do to the change in the flow of the once-still lake. Suddenly, there was something hard and sharp behind his back, pulling him roughly up to the surface. An arm? Was it attached to a body? Peter's freezing brain was whispering "No... let me be..."  But the arm didn't listen. Before Peter knew it, he was back on the rough concrete, but on the sidewalk on the bridge this time. He vaguely heard troubled and worried voices around him and some sort of <em>whoosh</em>ing from Peter's rescuer. As water drained out of his ears, Peter heard everything again. Everything terrible. Everything that reminded him of living. Honking, crying, weeping, talking.</p><p>He feels a pair of hands on his chest, pressing it over and over, willing the water to release from his lungs as well. Involuntarily, Peter coughed and coughed. It hurt so badly, but now he could breathe.</p><p>Wait.</p><p>No.</p><p>He could breathe. Breathing means he wasn't dead.</p><p>His brain jolted awake and he opened his eyes. He rose from the ground, breathing deeply and quickly. At this, the voices around him seemed overjoyed. He still couldn't register anything happening. He knew people were talking. He saw a messy array of lights and colors. A pair of arms wrapped around him, and he realized that that could've been Aunt May. Her hugs always felt like that. Gentle but firm, warm and safe. Slowly, Peter's senses returned, sharp as ever. He rubbed his eyes with shaky hands and saw Mr. Stark sitting in front of him on the curb, head in his hands. Looking to his left, he saw Ned crying into Ms. Leeds' side, and hugging Peter was, in fact, Aunt May.</p><p>Peter was shaking and he welled up again. He screamed. "No! Let me go, please!" He was hitting May's arms, wriggling to get free. "I don't want to be here!" May held on to him for dear life (literally). After a minute or so of this, his head drooped and he said, defeated and sobbing, "Please... I want to die... let me leave."</p>
<hr/><p>Ned, watching his barely-alive best friend writhe and shout about wanting to die made him cry even harder than he was. He'd never seen Peter like this before. It hurt.</p><p>To think that if he'd believed that Peter was okay, it would be Ned's fault that he died. Peter's death would be on his hands.</p><p>He, still wearing his Star Wars pajama pants and Iron Man sweatshirt, buried his face into his mom's side and she hugged him, holding back tears of her own.</p>
<hr/><p>Tony collapsed onto the curb at the side of the highway, drained from the night's events. In the past fifteen minutes, Peter's friend had called him to say Peter was about to kill himself, Tony put on his Iron Man suit, left his house in the middle of the night, running on two hours of sleep from the night before, told FRIDAY to track Peter's suit, watched him jump off a bridge, and flew down after him to save his fucking life.</p><p>The same type of thought was repeating in his head. <em>My kid wants to kill himself.</em> His head sunk into his hands and he sobbed silently. His entire body heaved with his big breaths.</p><p>Startled by the outburst from Peter, he jumped a bit and looked at him. This cold, broken boy was trying to escape from his aunt's loving embrace, shouting about how he wanted to die. Tony's heart broke in two. "Oh, kid..." he whispered. There was a pain in his voice that was indescribable.</p><p>He noticed a gaggle of gawking New Yorkers watching from their cars. There was one man who seemed to be recording the screaming boy, and Tony became enveloped in rage. He stood, wiped his tears, and pointed at the rude audience member. "Hey, buddy, fuck off! Go home!" he yelled, waving him away. His eye was twitching. The man, who didn't even notice Tony had moved, quickly shoved his phone into his pocket and drove off.</p><p>Tony came closer to Peter, both of them having calmed down to an extent. He once again sat on the curb and watched Peter's weak sobs and whimpers. He glanced back at Ned, eternally grateful for the young man's help. His mother looked just as heartbroken as everyone else.</p><p>Tony focused his gaze back at Peter. In the time that he'd looked at Ned, Peter had begun hugging May back, tears staining both of their shirts. A constant flow of tears fell from Tony's eyes once again.</p><p>It had been a long night.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. but the morning would come soon enough</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>hi! someone asked for a part two so here it is (mostly irondad and spiderson oop)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Peter awoke from his doze in Tony's car to Mr. Stark coaxing Peter into his arms. Peter felt silly and childish, but he was so tired that he didn't have the energy to protest. Right behind them were Ned, his mom, and May, who had all followed Tony back to Stark Tower after they left the bridge. Tony turned as he reached the door and pushed it open with his back. He shouted to whoever was listening, "I need immediate medical." He hoped no one noticed, but his voice cracked from crying. Within the minute, a team of doctors and nurses lowered the still-tired Peter onto a gurney and pushed him away. Watching them leave, Tony sighed, tears still streaming down his face.</p><p>Tony turned back to the rest of the group. May finally allowed herself to cry, now that Peter was gone and things were calmer. There was a different kind of pain represented on everyone's faces. You'd never be able to place them, but they were different.</p><p>Tony thought about what he could do. He couldn't tell them to go home, not after all of this, especially not May. Rubbing his puffy eyes, he spoke to the grievers, his words echoing across the large, empty floor. "Everyone, come with me." They all looked up at him, worry in their expressions. Tony waved them towards himself with two fingers and sauntered off towards the elevator. Tony's <em>private</em> elevator, to be exact. The other looked to each other, then back at Tony, and shuffled over to the elevator. Once the doors had closed, FRIDAY piped up.</p><p>"Hello, Mr. Stark."</p><p>"Hey, FRIDAY. Take us to the top floor, please." Pain was still woven into his voice.</p><p>"Of course, boss." Ned's mother tapped her foot the entire ride up and May bit her nails. Hair was falling in her face, obstructing not only her view but other's views of her. No one was thinking straight.</p><p>Soon enough, the doors glided open into Tony, Pepper, and all of the Avenger's living space. Ned was too upset to appreciate how cool this was for him.</p><p>"Please, take a seat, all of you." Tony noticed May's shirt, wet from holding Peter. "May, let me get you a new shirt. You can borrow one of Pepper's." May gave a weak smile and a thank-you nod. She sat on one of the many couches, clasping her hands. Ned was dangerously tired. He wouldn't be able to sleep, he knew, but he took off his untied shoes and laid down, head facing the back of another silky smooth couch. His mother sat opposite him on a loveseat, staring blankly at the coffee table. No one spoke.</p><p>Tony came back, wearing a new shirt of his own, and handed the clean one of Pepper's to May. She slid it over her neck, allowed it to cover her chest, and removed her wet shirt from underneath. She put her trembling arms through the sleeves and leaned back onto the cushions that lined the couch.</p><p>After minutes of silence, May broke it, never shifting her gaze. "Did any of you know?" Ned sat up, pain on his face. What do you say to that?</p><p>"I should've," Tony muttered. Everyone turned to see him. "I should've realized he was hurting. I mean, he practically lives here half the week, <em>fuck</em>!" he yelled, standing up. He began pacing around the room. "It's my fault. It's my fucking fault. I've seen him every day for as long as I can remember and I couldn't be bothered to look up from my fucking work!" He looked like he was going to keep talking before Ned cut him off.</p><p>"Mr. Stark, please. Don't do this to yourself." Ned fiddled with the string of his pajama pants and looked down. "I think... I think it was me."</p><p>"Wh-What?" Tony faltered.</p><p>"Last month. He told me he needed to talk to me about something after school and I blew him off. I said I had to buy a present for my cousin's birthday, but I just really wanted to get home to play Beast Slayer." Ned covers his mouth with his hand. "It's my fault-" His voice caught and tears fell. His mom rubbed his back with her hand in soothing circles.</p><p>Tony thought for a second. "No, no. We're not going to do this right now. What Peter did already happened and we can't change it now. We need to focus on helping him, and... doing better. We need to do better for him." He paused. "I have a few guest rooms. Everyone, go rest."</p>
<hr/><p>Unfortunately, "everyone" did not include Tony. He assigned everyone rooms and sat on a stool at his kitchen island for an hour before FRIDAY spoke to him over the speakers. "Boss, the medics have requested your presence." Faster than lightning, he hopped up from his seat and practically slid into the elevator. His entire body was jittery and the elevator was the slowest it could possibly be. Finally, the doors opened and he ran to the medical unit a doctor intercepted him, putting her hands on his shoulders to stop him.</p><p>"Mr- Mr. Stark, slow down. Let me take you-"</p><p>"Where's Peter?" he said. He was out of breath.</p><p>The doctor explained to him calmly, "...Let me take you to him." They walked down the hall, the heels of her shoes clicking with every step. "He's ahead, in room two."</p><p>"Can I-" He let out a breath. "Can I see him? He's okay, right?"</p><p>"Well," She looked at Peter's patient chart. "The impact of the water from that high of a fall broke three ribs, a leg, and his spine. I believe he also has a minor concussion-"</p><p>"Can I see him?" He yelled. His throat felt like it was closing up. "Please?" he whispered. The entire hallway was silent.</p><p>"Mr. Stark?" came a weak voice. Tony pushed past the doctor into Peter's room. He swung himself in the door, and the sight was something he never thought would bring him so much pain. Peter was in a bed, a wrap around his head, leg in a cast, resting on a stack of pillows, and presumably something protecting his chest underneath his gown. "Mr. Stark." Peter gave a quick smile, quickly followed by, "I'm... I'm so sorry." Peter started crying again.</p><p>"Hey, hey, hey, Underoos. It's okay, you're okay. I'm not mad." There was a bit of space on the bed next to Peter, which Tony sat on as he hugged him. Peter cried onto his shoulder and Tony patted his back. "Sh, sh, sh, you're okay." Peter had calmed down and Tony pulled away from the hug. "Now, can you tell me why you tried to kill Spider-Man? Cause, you know, I kinda need him on my team. He's important to me. And Bucky, and Steve, and Nat, and Bruce, and Rhodey, and Sam, and Clint, and Thor, and Ned, and MJ, and May, even Pepper for god's sake. You've changed all of our lives for the better, Pete. Why'd you do it?"</p><p>"I don't... I don't know. For the last few months, I haven't felt anything. Anything at all. The one thing that I was ever thinking about was my flaws. What other people thought of me. Every time something dumb happens, like, I'll trip and people laugh, or someone jokingly makes fun of me, it cuts deeper than people think it should. It makes me think that no one cares about me. I don't know. This sounds so stereotypical, I hate it!" Peter forced a chuckle, but the pain in his voice shone through.</p><p>Tony's face looked shattered. "Peter, I'll never not care about you. Hell, I mean, you probably wouldn't let it happen anyway." Tony smiled, but Peter's expression fell. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that. I realize how that can hurt, especially when you're feeling like this."</p><p>"That's the thing that upsets me; no one should have to draft a sentence, edit it, revise it, then create a final draft before saying something to me just because I'm a little sensitive." He sighed and hung his head. "I hate that I'm like this."</p><p>"Peter, look at me." Peter reluctantly looked up to Tony. "It's not your fault when you feel like that. It could never be your fault. If the people around you care about you, they'll understand when you want them to be more careful with their words. I don't think that's too much to ask of them, of anyone."</p><p>"Thank you, Mr. Stark," Peter whispered. "I'm sorry for what I tried to do tonight. I was being selfish."</p><p>"See, kid, you're still not listening to me," Tony explained lovingly. "Everyone who's here tonight is sorry that we made it feel like you couldn't talk to us. You always can. We love, you, Peter."</p><p>Peter's jaw quivered. "I love you, too, Dad." Tony's heart just about exploded. The corners of his mouth tipped up, and he reached in for one more hug.</p><p>It had been a long night, but the morning would come soon enough.</p><p>Everything would be okay.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>i feel like this wasn't as good as the first chapter but I'm better at writing angst than comfort hbfhksjbdfjbf</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>comments and kudos are appreciated but not required🥺👉👈</p><p>edit: omg i cant believe we're already at 600 hits?? that's insane yall are too good to me🥺</p><p>edit2: I'm fucking screaming this is doing so much better than I thought it would ahhhh</p><p>edit3: I left for like 2 weeks and came back to almost 150 kudos and over 1000 hits so in conclusion I'm very happy thank you for your time</p></blockquote></div></div>
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